Viagra… is there an alternative?   Yes… Love. Part 1.

 IMG_1862Yes… Love. “How is that? ”some of you might ask. Well, hear me out. I know enough now to listen when the Universe is screaming at me. And when today the 3rd man in less than a week, a stranger, began talking to me about the pressure he feels to take Viagra or Cialis, even though he doesn’t want to… well, I got the message.   And besides just this last week, in the last few months I have listened to more and more men share about the deep pain and inadequacy they feel about their “performance,” whether it be with the strength of erection (or even ability, for that matter) or ‘how long’ they can make love to a woman. As I write this I am seeing each of these mens’ eyes and the emotional turmoil they were in. The genuine sweetness pouring out of them in their desire to please their partners. There is always a silent imploring I feel when men talk to me on these issues, “What can I do? Am I ok and loveable just as I am?” In fact, even just this morning I received an email from someone inquiring if I could help them to enhance their penis size and grow their Sexual Powers. My answer would be, “yes I can, that would be a natural side effect, but only if your desired outcome is love and connection…” then, of course, the original goal becomes moot.

How is it that so many men talk to me about this? Well, it’s my work. I’m a therapist, a bodyworker, a healer… I specialize in the areas of Spirituality, Sexuality, Intimacy, Relationships and Love. I also have a guilty pleasure. I love to go out to lunch… by myself. Taking care of others deeply as my work, being a mother of two teenage sons, married, in a deep Spiritual Partnership, and having incredibly engaging personal relationships leaves me almost always looking for different ways of just being alone in light ways.  My solo lunches are my easy get away. While I usually love to just read a book, most of the time people talk to me. And doing what I do, the conversations always just go straight to the jugular. I also believe people feel safe talking to a ‘stranger’ and in thinking they won’t see me again, they just divulge it all. Hey, why pay $200 an hour when one can receive counseling over lunch? And I love it. There is nothing I love more than going Deep.

Back to the point; people talk to me…about sex, love, relationships and God…and a lot more.   And yes, 3 different men brought up “Viagra” and asked my thoughts on “this issue” in less than a week. It made me remember every other discussion and session around this topic in the last year and beyond. And, it breaks my heart. Have we really become a culture that not only has plasticized and objectified women every which way inside and out and all- around, but now we are also looking to medication for erections and way too easily just offering it up as the Solution.  Have we forgotten the whole point of Sex and what it is all about?

Well, it’s about Love.  And yes, it’s also about 1) Pro-creation, 2) Pleasure, 3) Liberation… knowing God.  And it is used in countless various other ways, but that exploration is for another day.  Ultimately though… making love is about just that…. Love.  Connecting. And the look in each of these men’s eyes as they spoke to me about this issue, as they struggled with an aspect of their identity was somewhat alarming to me. These men felt ‘less than,’ had great desire to please their partner and felt that a whole lot weighed up the strength, ability and length of a lasting erection.  The inner conflict was written all over their faces as they asked my opinion.  They each also complained of the side effects. The truth was that none of them wanted to be taking it.  How is it that they had forgotten, that their partners and many of us have forgotten about the alternative…. Love.

What is making love, anyway?  I remember as I was expanding my work and the ways I work with couples, one of the first Dakas I worked with shared about his work with couples and he said, “I remind them and show them that there are a million ways to make love.”

There are a million ways to make love.  “Yeah, but…” is usually the response I get when I tell this to men, reinforcing the deep ingrained messages they have received about their worth dependent on a body part.  A standard.  An ideal. By whose standards and ideals? And how about the drug companies… wow are they benefitting. That is a whole other topic that I won’t even start on, but please, imagine what could be done with the money and human power that goes into Viagra, Cialis and all the other ‘fix it’ drugs.   How did we get along before such options? Well, we had to find other solutions, other ways to connect… to make love.

A million and one ways to make love.

  1. Penetration.  Yes, penetration. When was the last time your Soul was penetrated by someone’s eyes. Start there. Penetrate and let yourself be penetrated with the eyes. You will come to know someone far more deeply than any other sort of penetration. Eye gaze… take it in. Go there.

event_181370142And in penetration physically, there are many ways to penetrate a woman, and a man that can be just as if not more intimate than intercourse. Personally I have been fully “penetrated” to the depths of my Soul and have experienced a complete release and opening of the floodgates of Divine Nectar without even being physically touched by another. With the eyes, the energy, the intention, attention and…. Love.   To learn more, see our upcoming retreat, “Return to Love” on Valentine’s Day weekend.

 2. The Heart. Touch another’s heart and let yours be touched. Sometimes when I am with a client, or with my partner, there is a moment and the heart center is literally palpable. Breath into your own heart, taking your ‘awareness’ to the center of your chest, allow yourself to feel how you love the person you are with, everything you love about them, feel how you Love everything in Life, let that feeling grow and expand that feeling outward towards the other. Imagine you are transmitting your feelings to them without words, but you are literally giving them your love from your heart. As if you could silently share with them all the loving thoughts you were having.   Feel it… your heart, their heart. Watch what happens.

  1. Chakras.  Yes, I said it. Align your Chakras with your partner. It is possible to energetically make love, connect so powerfully that many people will experience waves of ecstatic bliss (sometimes even various orgasm) throughout one’s entire body. Discovering how to access these energy centers and appreciate their subtleties, learning to breath and connect with our Selves, and others through these portals can be an exquisitely divine experience. Explore more about the Chakras.image.axd

4.  Body as a Wonderland. Truly, when was the last time you really took in every single part of your partners beautiful body. When did you last stop, slow down, drop into your Self, your own body and gaze upon and other, really see them and take it in. Bow down in gratitude at the honor of touching another? And cherish every single inch, every curve, every wrinkle, freckle, grey hair… all of it.   And feel…. Feel the pleasure in your own hands as you touch an Other. Explore how magnetic your touch can be… how close can you get before they ‘feel’ you, without actual contact. How would you make love to the small of the back? The stomach, chest, back of the knees, the crease between the breast, the hands, thighs… all of it. It’s infinite and there are infinite ways to tangle up.

  1. Back the Basics.   Remember your first kiss? The first time you touched an Other’s private parts’? When someone touched you?  I sure do! It was electrifying!  I will never forget that curiosity… the innocence and sweet pleasure and sensitivity towards the other I felt. Go back to the basics. Learn how to kiss again.  Really kiss. I mean, REALLY.   There is nothing like kissing and “heavy petting”.  Hours on a couch or in a car just kissing.  Touching.  Squeezing. Remember? Come back to beginners mind and pretend there was no “final base.” How far could you go if you stayed at first. Where is the edge between each and how long can you ride that edge?  Did you make sure and cover every single aspect of each base?  You sure?  Have you kissed the eyes?  The eyelashes?  The nose?  Cheeks, ears, shoulders, clavicle, hands, sidebody… have your feet made love to theirs? Remember footsie? 
  1. Soft entry. One of the great delights for me in coming from a Tantric perspective, in particular Kashmir Shaivism, is this idea of softness, surrender, openness, and flow.  The allowance of Love to flow into our being, which more easily comes with softness.  A beautiful way to experience penetration with a lingam is with soft entry.  The lingam is soft and gentle and is guided into the woman (or man).  There is no goal.  No hope or intention of the experience being other than what it is in that moment.  But the two can sit together and just have this beautiful soft contact and connection.  Bringing the mutual awareness to the connection and feeling the place of touch with the softness, breathing into this and feeling where you end and the other begins.  Stay there, discover new ways to open and feel.  Many times when this is practiced, it actually will lead to “erection” and beautiful more sensitive and 10609423_10152883429892278_6831922623579107701_nopen lovemaking.  And… erection is never the goal.  Yet, sometimes, when allowed to just be, anything seems to organize itself out.  A woman will often times experience immense pleasure with this practice and the Sacred Amrita may flow naturally the more she opens and shifts the energy from “orgasm” to surrendering and opening.
  1. Radical Self Love.  So often we are so focused on the other (or our Self… point is the lack of focus on Union) in our pursuit of pleasure.  Or we focus on body parts or goals of great orgasm and we completely miss the point.  Isn’t it about Love, after all?  And when we don’t truly love ourselves on every level, how can we possibly truly deeply love an Other. Developing a Sacred Practice of Self Love can help immensely in raising one’s libido. We learn to appreciate and massage and love our bodies in all states. Infusing our Self and body with love will have far greater effects on the whole body mind Soul than a little blue pill.  And, WARNING: the effects will last longer than 4 – 6 hours!  When we are filled and whole from this place, we lose our nervousness and performance anxiety and to put it rather frankly… appreciating and loving ones penis in it’s flaccid state gives the little guy permission to come out and play in all his glory when he wants to and when he is ready. Sometimes we all need to know it’s safe to come outside and play, we have all been so beaten up on so many levels.  I have known many men (and women) who have remarkable results in raising their libido when they learn to just love themselves as is and practice various techniques and exercises, which really aren’t that difficult or time consuming.
  1. Sexuality as Spiritual Practice.  Elevate your relationship to sexuality, make it your Sacred Practice, convert the bedroom into your Church.  When we approach lovemaking in this way… no one ever will be left “unsatisfied.”  And if they are, well politely invite them out the door.  There are so many ways to approach sex; animal sex, baby making, love making, therapeutic sex, Sexual Healing… the list could be endless. But when we raise the bar and make love a date with the Divine, it becomes a whole new experience and I have yet to meet a human being who isn’t completely transformed in the best way possible by making a Sacred Practice out of their sexuality, no matter who they are with or how many partners they have.  Remember the miracle of Life, of every breath we take, remember that you are touching and being touched by God when you step into the Love Chamber. Come humble, with your heart open and your eyes soft, come with the inner question, ‘how may I love you, my dear? ‘

Part of this practice would be to Discover the Sacred Art of Yoni and Lingam Worship. We have forgotten how to love each other in this society, truly.  When I stepped onto the path of Tantra, Sacred Sexuality… after each session I received I would cry and cry repeating, “We forgot how to love each other.” There is no rush and no goal in the practice of connecting, giving and receiving pleasure and the Art of Making Love.  Learning the art of how to truly love and touch each other, to touch with your Soul in every kiss, in your fingertips, every move… touching and loving with your whole heart and Soul. This is true healing that will last far longer than that 4 hour little blue pill.  And on a practical note, massaging techniques done deeply in the pelvic floor, groin, buttocks and surrounding areas where we mostly don’t really touch can create more blood flow… which enhances erection and sexual energy.  When we connect this sacred massage technique to incorporate the Heart area- even better!  Working with the whole lymphatic system can open up blood and energy flow as well.

When my clients begin the Sacred Art of Lingam and Yoni worship, whether with themselves or with partners, in my experience 90% of clients have overcome “issues” such as low libido, erectile dysfunction, female sexual arousal disorder.  Please forgive me, I do not like to label in these areas, but for the purpose of this piece it is helpful. I believe it is crucial to remember the whole person, the heart body mind and Soul when we embark on the journey of sexual expansion. And remember, we are so much more than this vessel of flesh and bones, so much more.  And yet, caring for our Vessel as the Holy Temple of our Spirit in this human experience will take us straight into Heaven on Earth.

Stay tuned for Part 2 and my upcoming article on “Creating a Sacred Sexual Practice.”

In love and service…. Nadine

To learn about the Sacred Art of Holy Love and bask in a beautiful 3 day playshop retreat all about Love… come to our Retreat in Northern California, “Return to Love” A Valentine’s Day Retreat for Individuals… and Couples.    – February 13-15, 2015

http://www.ecstatic-awakenings.com/awakening-lover/

If you would like any information on receiving guidance in these areas, my working partner Alika and I work with individuals and couples around all the issues mentioned in this piece. We work together and individual in a variety of ways. Contact us at www.ecstatic awakenings.com for a complimentary exploration conversation to see if we may be in service to your Ecstatic Awakenings.

Blessed Be!

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